See the Play or BE the Play

I'm done apologizing for not updating more regularly. If you have any notion that I will ever update with any sense of regularity, than you obviously don't know me very well.

A very dear friend of mine (who is far more thoughtful and articulate than I) decided to live her life by a mission that encompasses what she is passionate about. I thought this idea was so brilliant, I immediately wanted to try it out. It turns out, defining a mission statement for your own life is tough. I haven't figured it out. What I have figured out, is the mission statement for my daughter's life, or rather what I what for my daughter's life. I will feel successful as a mother if Ilya grows up to know who she is and is strong enough to express and follow her truth in life. Another mother friend of mine wrote a blog post a while back about a little boy on a playground who was upset when his friend called him a name. His mother's response was something along the lines, "if you know that is not what you are than don't get upset by it. Be your truth." Anyway, you should read it because it is far more eloquent than I can describe it.

It is rather disconcering when you child starts to say something that you never heard before and you wonder, "who is teaching my child to say these things?" Maybe she just made it up. Regardless, one of the cutest things Ilya has started doing is jumping up and down on the couch and asking, "Do you want to SEE the play or BE the play?" To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what she is asking, but I assume she is giving me the choice of watching her jump up and down or jumping up and down myself. I'm a pretty boring mother and usually opt for option number 1, but every once and a while I mix it up and tell her I want to BE the play. This usually confuses her and leads to, "No, mama. You need to SEE the play." Not sure why the second option exists I'm not allowed to take advantage of it...

I've started gardening and think I might be hooked. Who knew digging in the dirt was so much fun? Honestly, I spend most of my time weeding, but the rewards are fresh greens that I can pick anytime I feel like it.

Remember how we were trying to buy the house we are renting? We're still trying, however, our loan officer is no longer returning our calls. This can't be a good sign.

Google

Forgive my geekiness for a moment, but I just discovered the coolest thing ever!

I needed to know the colors of Linfield College (don't ask me why - its complicate) so I did what any relatively tech savvy person would do: I googled it. You will never believe what came up. It wasn't a website full of answers to my question - although that was there. It was much cooler than that...

GOOGLE ITSELF ANSWERED MY QUESTION! It sifted through the website, found my answer and put it at the top of the results. I didn't even have to open a web page.

Is it absurd that I think this is so incredible? I don't care if it is. Google, I am impressed.

feelin' down

Remember 7 years ago when you wanted a loan. The bank was all, "How much do you want?" and you were all "I dunno. $300,000?" Then then the bank was all, "Only $300,000? Why don't you make it an even $500,000?" and you were all, "$500,000! Sure!" Then the bank was all, "Wait a minute. You promise you can pay this back?" and you were all, "um..." Then the bank was all, "Just kidding. I'm sure you're good for it!" and you got your money and everyone was happy. I guess everyone was happy until this whole recession thing.

My point is, getting a loan for a house now is, quite possibly, the most frustrating experience of my life. Its worse than being audited (not that I would actually know, knock on wood). Now, the bank is all, "give us every piece of financial documentation you can find, including some that probably doesn't exist and never did. Oh, and by the way, what is this charge for $35 on your credit card bill for Thai food last Thursday? Do you really think you should be spending money like that when you are asking us for a loan? Just something to think about. We're watching everything you do!"

Meanwhile, while the bank is busy pouring through my receipts and bemoaning the fact that I haven't yet produced proof that x amount of dollars that was spent on gas was actually used for business driving, I keep getting more bad news about the house we want to buy. Things I should probably not be discussing on a public forum. The whole process is so discouraging.

customer service

I never thought I'd say this, but I am sick of American customer service. I long for the days of German customer service which consisted of a very frank and clear, "you are not worth my time. I am hanging up on you now, and if you call back I will continue to berate you in German, mocking your lack of understanding while simultaneously refusing to do anything that might even remotely be helpful!" At least they were honest. The fact that I didn't speak German fluently was instant cause for them to refuse to help me in any way, but they were honest about, and I appreciate that.

Recently, I have had two customer services experiences that were so underhandedly rude that I just wanted someone to tell me to my face to "fuck off." Is that asking too much?

We are trying to get a loan to buy a house. We have diligently sent in every scrap of information that was requested. We were assigned a loan officer three weeks ago. I called said loan officer 4 times before she bothered to get back me to let me know that they needed yet another piece of information. I immediately provided that information...and waited...and waited....

I called loan officer again. No response. Again. No response. Again. No response. Almost a week later, I called one last time (very politely) threatening to look elsewhere. No response. My messages were never rude. All I wanted was information. I finally did look elsewhere, and guess who finally called me back?

My second customer service debacle was in all honesty, completely my fault, but its the TONE that pisses me off. I decided to donate blood and used the online form to request an appointment. I accidentally requested the appointment for 4/20 instead of 4/30, and received an email kindly requesting me to clarify the time I wanted as "today is 4/21 and we have nothing available for 4/20..." Fine, I can appreciate how difficult it might be a write an email to someone who is requesting an appointment for a day that has already passed, but COME ON! I'm not stupid. I know that you obviously don't have anything available for YESTERDAY!!!. I responded with my "clarification" and asked for an appointment on 4/30. This was the response:

"Ms. Eivy,
Thank you, unfortunately the Central Seattle Blood Center is only open Monday-Friday. Would you like to try another day and time?"

Now, I have a tendency to read too much into emails, but is this not the most passive aggressive, "you're completely idiotic!" email ever?

I'm sure they were just trying to be nice when faced with such a "stupid" person, but the whole thing makes me never want to donate blood again!

I'm sure at this point, you are all thinking that I have completely lost my mind, and you are probably right, but this is my blog, and I am allowed.

Growing Roots

Maybe it was in response to nearly a year of traveling. Maybe it was the thought of leaving the support that we've become accustomed to. Maybe it was the people, but whatever the reason, Adam and I (rather rashly) decided to make an offer on the house that we are currently renting. I say, "rather rashly" because its actually pretty unlikely that we will have the money to back up this offer. We are facing TWO huge hurtles to our purchasing of this house: 1) we are independent contractors, which, if you work in a bank or know anything at all about bankers, means "ha ha ha HELL NO!" and 2) the house we want to buy has a huge defect in the foundation, which again roughly translates to, "ha ha ha HELL NO!". We're trying, but as more and more doors close in my face, I'm beginning to feel more and more depressed.

To add to this meloncally mood, I attended a business meeting today and nearly burst into tears right in the middle of the discussion. This should come as no surprise to those of you that know me well. I cry when I burn dinner much less at an important business meeting, but none the less, the atmosphere at the meeting was so tense and negative that I just wanted to run from the room and cry. The confusing part was that when I did run from the room, I ended up (almost) crying on the shoulder of best friend who lives in the community two doors down. So, not only is this community the source of my discontentment, it is the source of my comfort. What the hell do I do with that?

I feel so hopeless about the way things are done here, but so grateful to have these wonderful people in my life. It just makes everything so confusing. After the meeting, I hosted dinner. Half the people who said they were going to show up didn't so I basically ended up $40 in the hole and spent 4 hours cooking and cleaning, but just when I was starting to despair, one of my other community member friends showed up with two partial bottles of wine (which I happily finished for him). Do you see what I mean about being conflicted? The things that I love and hate most are all the same!

This is a depressing post. It needs a pictures. Here is one.

Ilya is dressing herself. She's awesome at it. Clearly.

Here are some more: I just finished directing a (very) short show involving puppets. I was so stressed out. I kept thinking, "my show is going to suck," "I am going to suck," "what business do I have trying to go back to theatre after all these years?" but it was awesome. My show rocked. My actors rocked. I take very little credit, but I am thrilled with the way it turned out, and, you know the only people who showed up to watch it, were people from my community. AGGG!
I just looked at my title. This was supposed to be a post about my garden. Oh well. For another time. I planted a garden. Its awesome. I'll share more later. In the meantime, I'm going to bed and hoping the world makes more sense tomorrow.

Its a good thing kids are such bad liars

Ilya has discovered that her words hold incredible power. She can melt a persons heart by saying, "I love you," and "You're my best friend in the whole world." She can crush a person by saying, "I don't love you," and "go away!"

For reasons that are only fathomable to a two year old, she uses this power on me more than anyone else. I probably get about twenty, "I love you's" in a day but two or three, "I don't love you, mama's," in a day as well. Every time she says this, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Which is what she wants. Not because she is mean, but because she needs to hear that I love her, or she wants to see what kind of reaction she can cause. Whatever the reason, I've gotten very good and keeping a passive face in the midst of these crushing words.

Besides, I have a secret. Every night, Ilya climbs in bed with me and presses her body so close to mine that I can't move an inch without crushing her. I don't mind in the least. It betrays her truth more than her words ever do.

My Perfect Community

Adam and I have been talking a lot recently about what our perfect community would look like. Its difficult to describe and even more difficult to visualize because some of the good things that we want simply cannot exist without the bad things that we don't want. Its all about finding that perfect balance.

For those of you that don't know, we currently live in a co-housing community in West Seattle. This means that our home is one of 23 homes that were all built around a common path. We walk this path to get to things like each others homes and the common house. The common house is a giant house in the middle of the community that serves as our social hub. We have meetings there, do laundry there, eat meals together there, and hold events there. It includes a play room for little kids, a giant kitchen, a giant dining/socializing area, a sunroom, a laundry room, a kids room (different from the toddler room), a bike storage area, storage, and an office. It is, essentially, the heart of the community.

In addition to participating in the social events at our community, we attend meetings, serve on various committees, and do work for the community.

Do I like it? The answer is complicated. I love it...sometimes. I hate it...sometimes.

Our community is broken. Most of the houses are for sale. Renters comprise about half of the people in the community and about 90% of the people that show up for social events. The owners have a lot of rules. A lot. There are rules for rules, and while I am sure that there are very good reasons for these rules, as a new member of the community, the shear number of rules is intimidating and overwhelming. If you inadvertently break a rule, people let you know it. Usually in a nice way...sometimes not. We have broken quite a few rules, including: parking two inches too far to the right, submitting a 10 day proposal that was not allowed to be a 10 day proposal, and walking up the ramp that lead to our house because it passed in front of our neighbors house. I imagine that rules are what has allowed this community to survive through a time that would have torn even the best of friends apart, but in my perfect community there would be less rules. Less rules and more open communication.

Despite all the rules and conflict, there is no way for people in my community to deal with conflict. No one to go to. No support. I attended a conflict resolution workshop at the common house yesterday and 6 other people showed up. 6 people in a community of over 50! Maybe that is the problem: too many people. No space to deal with conflict. In my perfect community, there would be fewer people - maybe 10 - and conflict resolution would be an essential part of that community.

UPDATE: I forgot the most important thing. Despite all the rules and conflict, apathy and estrangement, I LOVE MY COMMUNITY. I love my community because of the people. Some of the most interesting and amazing people live in my community. I love my community for the potential that it holds - the creativity of its members - the kindness and friendship that I have been shown. Its worth putting up with all the rules and tension, if for no other reason, than to be around these wonderful people. Most of them anyway :)

Adam thinks that his perfect community would live in a group house and share a common kitchen. I'm undecided. I like having my own space, but I also think that a common kitchen would encourage intimacy that doesn't exist in our community. People would be forced to interact and deal with each other. On second thought, I like the common kitchen idea. In my perfect community, there would be a common kitchen (though, if I'm dreaming of a perfect community, my family would get its own small kitchen just for us).

So, to sum up: My perfect community -
1) less rules more communication
2) conflict resolution essential part of interactions
3) about 10 people living in one house
4) everyone would be involved in everything - rule by consensus

OK, there it is. Who wants to join and buy a house with us - preferably something looking over the water - preferably you have kids Ilya's age or thereabouts? Anyway, there would be a lot of details to work out, but this is our dream. Who's in?