Saturday, March 6, 2010

My Complaints - skip this post if you don't want to listen to me whine

Did you miss me?

I know that I haven't been checking in, and I have a really bad excuse. I didn't want to talk about this, but, hey, if you can't tell your own blog (and the multitudes of faithful readers and random strangers that might stumble across it) your deepest darkest secrets, who can you tell? Here goes: I'm really miserable here. I want to go home so badly, I can feel it with every fiber of my being.

I've spoken to people who have seen the world, and they always talk with such wonder about the places they have been and the people they have met. I've always admired and envied those people, but now I'm beginning to think that you just have to be a certain kind of person to do well living that life. I like routine and comforts (such as a big soft mattress in a heated room). I like being able to talk to people and ask for things that I need (like directions, how to mail a letter, how much a certain item is when shopping), and I can't have or do any of those things here.

We've been sleeping on a fold out couch for the last month and every night I wake up at least 10 times trying to get comfortable without pushing poor Adam off the bed. My back hurts all the time. After last nights winter storm, I'm beginning to think that the weather is never going to warm up. What I really miss, though, is being able to do things for myself. I can't order food, read a map, read anything without someone helping me. I feel like a bad mom because there is nothing free that I can take Ilya to do other than explore a frozen city (which we've done...lots...despite the snow and ice). The language isn't so much a barrier as it is a enormous, solid, impenetrable, concrete wall. Never again will I take for granted all those little conversations I have in a day. A man walking past me bumps my shoulder and says something (probably an apology, but he could have just challenged me to a death match for all I know). Once I finish buying food, the cashier says something ("have a nice day" or "wait, you forgot to pay for that"). I startle an old woman while calling after Ilya who says something - a man sits across from us on the tram and tries the entire trip to get me to understand what he is saying by repeatedly pointing at his mouth - If I don't understand it the first hundred times you say it, I'm not going to understand it now!

I feel stupid all the time.

I feel isolated.

I feel helpless.

I really don't want pity or tearful pleas begging me to come home (thanks mom). I just want you to know. And maybe a queen sized mattress.


Brendina Pederhold said...

Spring will come, I promise! If there is anything I can do to help, please tell me. At least I should be able to help with the feeling isolated part. You always have a friend just a step away.

I love you.

Alissa said...

Oh lady!

Not being able to communicate with people around you is the hardest thing ever. I spent only two weeks in Germany with Mike's family last year and by the end of it I was going insane and questioning our relationship. Psychologically it is so damn hard to go from navigating like an adult in your culture to barely being able to get along. It's all the frustration of being a pre-literate child, with none of the perks like being taken care of. HUGE SUCK.

Totally understand why you'd be miserable. You're brave, lady! But for goodness's sake, go get yourself a proper mattress. If you have a Paypal account I'll send you a donation toward that end. How much can it be to find one on German Craigslist?

Love love love!