Maybe it was in response to nearly a year of traveling. Maybe it was the thought of leaving the support that we've become accustomed to. Maybe it was the people, but whatever the reason, Adam and I (rather rashly) decided to make an offer on the house that we are currently renting. I say, "rather rashly" because its actually pretty unlikely that we will have the money to back up this offer. We are facing TWO huge hurtles to our purchasing of this house: 1) we are independent contractors, which, if you work in a bank or know anything at all about bankers, means "ha ha ha HELL NO!" and 2) the house we want to buy has a huge defect in the foundation, which again roughly translates to, "ha ha ha HELL NO!". We're trying, but as more and more doors close in my face, I'm beginning to feel more and more depressed.
To add to this meloncally mood, I attended a business meeting today and nearly burst into tears right in the middle of the discussion. This should come as no surprise to those of you that know me well. I cry when I burn dinner much less at an important business meeting, but none the less, the atmosphere at the meeting was so tense and negative that I just wanted to run from the room and cry. The confusing part was that when I did run from the room, I ended up (almost) crying on the shoulder of best friend who lives in the community two doors down. So, not only is this community the source of my discontentment, it is the source of my comfort. What the hell do I do with that?
I feel so hopeless about the way things are done here, but so grateful to have these wonderful people in my life. It just makes everything so confusing. After the meeting, I hosted dinner. Half the people who said they were going to show up didn't so I basically ended up $40 in the hole and spent 4 hours cooking and cleaning, but just when I was starting to despair, one of my other community member friends showed up with two partial bottles of wine (which I happily finished for him). Do you see what I mean about being conflicted? The things that I love and hate most are all the same!
This is a depressing post. It needs a pictures. Here is one.
Ilya is dressing herself. She's awesome at it. Clearly.
Here are some more: I just finished directing a (very) short show involving puppets. I was so stressed out. I kept thinking, "my show is going to suck," "I am going to suck," "what business do I have trying to go back to theatre after all these years?" but it was awesome. My show rocked. My actors rocked. I take very little credit, but I am thrilled with the way it turned out, and, you know the only people who showed up to watch it, were people from my community. AGGG!
I just looked at my title. This was supposed to be a post about my garden. Oh well. For another time. I planted a garden. Its awesome. I'll share more later. In the meantime, I'm going to bed and hoping the world makes more sense tomorrow.