A neurotic post about Thanksgiving

So, I had no intention of writing a cheesy Thanksgiving post detailing everything that I am thankful for - I mean, isn't it obvious?




But, then I started being all neurotic and thinking to myself, "what if Alice reads this post when she is older and doesn't realize how incredibly thankful I am for her." I know, its so obvious, it goes without saying, but I am thankful for my baby girl. I am ridiculously thankful for my little girl. I have never been more thankful for anything in my entire life. There is not a single thing about her that I am not thankful for - from her incessant giggling to her 4 am night screaming.

Every morning when I take her PJ's off and put on her socks, I kiss each foot (I know, ridiculously cheesy). I am thankful for each little toe.

Being a mom has also made me appreciate things and people that I probably overlooked or underestimated in the past. I could never have done this without my moms. It is true what people say - once you are a mother, you appreciate your parents so much more.

I also appreciate my husband in ways I never did before. He is so dedicated our family. He always puts us first. I would put up a sappy picture of him, but I think he would be mad that I had blown his cover - which is not really the reaction that I'm going for with this post - so another one of my photoshop marvels:I knew I shouldn't have started listing all the things that I am thankful for - now I feel obliged to list everything that I am thankful for. I don't want anyone to feel left out, but, on the other hand, I don't want this post to go on forever (and you probably don't want to read much more anyway) so, let me sum it up - I am thankful for all those special people in my life (you know who you are *wink, wink*)

Now and then

Things that used to suck:

Having to do something stupid and meaningless just because you boss told you to when she was clearly wrong but if you argue with you, you will lose your job.

Things that now suck:

Leaving dirty diapers in the car overnight. When you open the car door the next morning, the smell could wipe out a small country.

Life is so much simpler now - if smellier.

A shout out to two of the bravest people that I know

I often worry about what role models Alice will find in her life. On the one hand, there are so many admirable people in this world - so many people that have followed their dreams in a positive way and accomplished extraordinary things. On the other hand, I clearly remember being a teenager and admiring - not the people out there changing the world but - my crazy-assed friends. Yes, I was a dork. The faster my friends drove, the cooler I thought they were. The more spontaneous and adventuresome they were, the more I liked them.

I hope that Alice has more sense than I did. All I can do is introduce her to some of the most admirable people that I know.

Two months ago, two of my very best friends gave away everything they owned except for some clothes and a pair of stilts and set off to explore America on a grand busking adventure.

They believe so passionately in what they are doing that they are willing to face open criticism from strangers (I have a hard time thinking about getting a negative comment on my blog - I can't even imagine strangers telling me to my face that I suck and finding the strength to continue on - not that they suck. Quite the opposite. Their show is fun and creative and inspiring). In the process they contemplating questions that everyone should have to answer: why are we doing this? What are we hoping to gain? What role does art play in our world? They say it much more eloquently on their blog. I highly recomend it.

With what money are they accomplishing this wonderful adventure, you might ask? With very limited funds, relying instead on the premise that people are basically good at heart. They are hitch-hicking as much as they can, staying with friends, family, and couch surfing.

I am so impressed with what they are doing, and while I probably worry about their safety more than they do, I hope that Alice will be inspired by them.

100 word challenge

Intuitive

It may be the glint in his eye as he glances my direction with the slight upturn of his lip, halfway between a snarl and a show of victory. It may be how one eyebrow arches slightly, as if such a simple gesture could throw into doubt everything that I stand for and love. It may be the off-handed way he turned. It may be any of these things, but it isn't. Something deeper is encouraging me to not just walk, but run. As the police link his hands behind his back, it is my lip that curls up.

Challenge on Velvet Verbosity

Alice's first protest

To support our friends and fight the injustice that is plaguing our nation in the form of discrimination against gays and lesbians, Alice, SDN and I participated in a peaceful march from capital hill to downtown. We were joined by 3,000 other people, including lots of other babies and dogs. Alice especially liked the dogs. I took some wonderful pictures, but I think that SDN would not appreciate me posting his picture without his ninja gear on. OK, I just photoshopped a picture. I'm so clever. You probably won't even be able to tell that I photoshoped it - it will just look like SDN is wearing his ninja gear. I am that good. Here they are at the rally.
Isn't she cute. She screaming, "Stop the H8!"

Then she sat down and ate some pretty fall leaves.
Such an exciting day!

Good news (at least its good, if you are either my husband or myself or you care about us somewhat): Alice is sleeping...kinda. She now sleeps for 2 or 3 or (if she is really on a roll) 4 hours at a time! Life is grand. Colors are returning. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I looked like I hadn't slept in about 6 months (which is mostly true) - but the fact that I can recognize this rather than blindly go thorough my day is so exciting.

Sleep

I am so sick of hearing how well other people's babies sleep - of watching how quietly other people's babies sit - of seeing how calm other people's babies are. Alice has charisma! When she walks into a room (or is carried) people take notice. Babies stare, mothers laugh, random strangers smile and sunshine filters into the otherwise gloomy shadows. My baby girl has spirit, spunk, and an indescribably ability to bend the world around her the way she wants it to be.

Right now, I don't care that she is not sleeping. I don't care that she able to find that one moment of silence in a restaurant and fill it with the full force of her lungs. I don't care that she attacks every item within a 10 foot radius as if it were the most delicious piece of chocolate cake ever created. I simply adore this child and all of her wonderful quirks.

Confessions

I am probably the worst mother in the world. I had such great intentions when I had my beautiful baby girl. I read all the books and decided that there was no way that I would traumatize my child by ever letting her cry for more than a minute. I carried her in a sling everywhere I went and slept with her right by my side so that at the slightest mummer, I was there to sooth her with a gentle pat or a boob if needed. I didn't love waking up in the middle of the night, but I did because my baby needed me and I felt so bad for her.

Fast forward 6 months later. The waking up in the middle of the night did not get better as everyone promised - it got worse. The night before last, she woke up every 15 minutes until 3am at which point she was just awake and babbling until 5am when she returned to the 15 minute routine. All those nurturing, loving feelings I had for my child were gone in the face of severe sleep deprivation. I was frustrated, SDN was frustrated, Alice was frustrated - it was no fun for anyone. I might even go so far to say that it was the worst night of my life.

Last night, I got into bed dreading another sleepless night, and I did something I never thought I'd do. When Alice woke up at 12am, instead of picking her up right away and offering the boob for the third time that hour...I let her cry.....

I felt horrible. She was less than a foot away from me. I had my hand on her back and was talking to her the whole time. Her sobs were louder, but I think that mine had more tears. Every few minutes I had to sit on my hand to keep from picking her up. Whenever the urge to comfort her was too powerful, I thought of the previous night and knew that I couldn't survive long like that.

32 minutes later, she fell asleep - the amazing thing was, she fell asleep for 4 hours!!!! I haven't seen that stretch of sleep in ages. It felt wonderful. Then, after some quick nursing, she slept for another 2 hours!!!!

I hope that she has learned to comfort herself so that she can sleep longer. I don't think that I can handle more of those letting her cry moments.