Monday, June 1, 2009

Battling Depression

I am depressed.

I don't know why I've been so hesitant to tell people that I've been sad. Maybe its because I feel like I have no right to be sad. I'm still amazed that this incredible little person is my baby and that I won the husband lottery by marrying the most kind, fun, and understanding man in the world. I have everything that ever matters in life, yet I still cry everyday.  I have to force myself to get up and take care of the growing list of things that need to be done.

I understand why it is called battling depression. It really is a battle. It would be so much easier to just curl up in a ball, throw the covers over my head and give into this sadness that has claimed my life, but I tried that, and it just made it worse. I've decided that it is time to fight. 

Here are my three rules for battling depression:
1) exercise every day - I joined a gym and have been faithfully going about  5 days a week. When I don't go, I make sure that I walk or do something else active. This has so many benefits: I get to model healthy behavior for my daughter. I feel better. I lose weight - which makes me feel better.

2) say yes to every opportunity that comes my way - within reason :) So, invite me out, ask me to go skydiving with you, hike a mountain - I am required to say yes. 

3) keep track of what makes me happy - Alice and SDN dominate this category, but there are so many things that I love right now. The sun shining on my arm as I write this post. The quiet that has settled over the house as Alice sleeps soundly upstairs. The baby bird hoping along the fence post. 

I have also decided to take classes this summer at the UW. It will be nice to have a break and to be working towards bettering myself. I don't know what I'm going to do about tutoring. I'm just too good at my job - all my students want me to work with them extra hours over the summer (and here I thought I was going to get a break)...we'll see. 

So, now you all know my dirty little secret. I don't want you to feel sorry for me or even act any different than you normally do around me - life is about challenges and its not realistic to avoid anything that might set me off. Really, I am telling you this for selfish reasons. If I talk about it, maybe I can think of a way to fix it - a way to not feel so alone and so broken.


Mel said...

Hi, I cried when I read this. I'm sad to hear that you are struggling with depression although I realize that the majority of women in America are caught in the same trap. I am inspired at your courage to share your truth with us and pleased to hear what your plan of attack is. I'd like to suggest another strategy..ok? Comming from me you can probably guess what it is..ok here it is: Empathy every day.
Love You, Mom

Alissa said...

I love you, lady! Thinking of you in Massachusetts. You rock. Sorry I missed you this month but I hope your summer is fantastic! How are classes going?


Brendina Pederhold said...

I'm so proud of you for this post! You are an incredibly brave and beautiful person, and this post is so honest and it just makes me feel very glad and proud to be your friend.