I am depressed.
I don't know why I've been so hesitant to tell people that I've been sad. Maybe its because I feel like I have no right to be sad. I'm still amazed that this incredible little person is my baby and that I won the husband lottery by marrying the most kind, fun, and understanding man in the world. I have everything that ever matters in life, yet I still cry everyday. I have to force myself to get up and take care of the growing list of things that need to be done.
I understand why it is called battling depression. It really is a battle. It would be so much easier to just curl up in a ball, throw the covers over my head and give into this sadness that has claimed my life, but I tried that, and it just made it worse. I've decided that it is time to fight.
Here are my three rules for battling depression:
1) exercise every day - I joined a gym and have been faithfully going about 5 days a week. When I don't go, I make sure that I walk or do something else active. This has so many benefits: I get to model healthy behavior for my daughter. I feel better. I lose weight - which makes me feel better.
2) say yes to every opportunity that comes my way - within reason :) So, invite me out, ask me to go skydiving with you, hike a mountain - I am required to say yes.
3) keep track of what makes me happy - Alice and SDN dominate this category, but there are so many things that I love right now. The sun shining on my arm as I write this post. The quiet that has settled over the house as Alice sleeps soundly upstairs. The baby bird hoping along the fence post.
I have also decided to take classes this summer at the UW. It will be nice to have a break and to be working towards bettering myself. I don't know what I'm going to do about tutoring. I'm just too good at my job - all my students want me to work with them extra hours over the summer (and here I thought I was going to get a break)...we'll see.
So, now you all know my dirty little secret. I don't want you to feel sorry for me or even act any different than you normally do around me - life is about challenges and its not realistic to avoid anything that might set me off. Really, I am telling you this for selfish reasons. If I talk about it, maybe I can think of a way to fix it - a way to not feel so alone and so broken.