The Crud

Alice is sick. It started yesterday when she was acting a bit sluggish. I noticed that she felt hot but her temperature was never hotter than 98 degrees. By the evening the only thing she wanted to do was be held and walked back and forth.

Today was worse. Her temperature got as high as 102 degrees and my day consisted of walking her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth while she whimpered against my chest. Sometimes she dozed and I was able to sit and give my back a much needed rest, but it never lasted long.

Logically I know that this is all perfectly normal. That babies get sick and fevers are part of the healing process, but it hurts my heart to see her so miserable. It scares me to death to think that something could happen to her.

updating

As my dashboard kindly informs me, it has been a week since I updated my blog and I am feeling a bit guilty. I have about 100 new pictures that are so cute they will literally make you want to throw up complete with videos that show the cutest baby in the world doing the cutest things in the world. Lucky for you, they are still firmly embedded in my camera. I'm not have technical difficulties or anything like that - nope. I'm just too lazy to plug the camera into my computer. It would probably take me 10 seconds, but I'm really just not feeling it...so...no cute pictures. No adorable videos that make you feel as if your life finally has meaning. I'll get to it soon...if I feel like it...

Here are some written updates to keep you satisfied until then. Alice is almost 10 months old and she is standing, crawling, pulling, pushing, saying "mama", waving good-bye/hell0/hey there's a car, and (my favorite) sleeping from 8pm until 5am almost every night. She has decided that cool babies don't sleep in the afternoon, so she takes one nap from 10-12:30 and is awake the rest of the day.

Her schedule is finally getting regular (I shouldn't have said that - every time I say that, she changes it up on me and never for the better).

She is the perfect baby (I know, I'm acting like one of those annoying mothers who gushes about their baby...but, in this case, it is all true). She cuddles with me, yet she is ready to explore. She isn't afraid of new people, but she always comes right back to me as if to say, "mama, I love you, even though I'm going to play with this other person now, I'll be back soon," It kills me.

Letting Go

I had a day. A day that reminded me that, despite my best efforts, I cannot control everything. I'm not delusional. I know that I can't control everything, but ever since Alice was born, I have been in control of everything about her - from what she eats to when she goes down for her sleep.

Being a parent is such a whirlwind - your life gets thrown around, the only thing you have control over is how you respond to this new being in your world.

Today I learned to give up some of that control.

Incident 1:
This morning, while I was holding Alice, she reached for the crock pot that was cooking a soup. Before I could move us away, her finger brushed the side of the container (why do they even make crock pots with such hot exteriors? That's a lawsuit waiting to happen, if you ask me). Baby skin is so sensitive that it instantly blistered.

Incident 2:
We had our music class this morning. Alice LOVES her music class. She loves the teacher and all the singing and dancing. We were reminded today that now is the time to register for the next session - something we can't do due to our current financial situation.

Incident 3:
A friend of ours took Alice out for a walk and gave her a bit of cookie on the way. We have never given her sweets and have been so careful about what we do give her that I was crushed.

By the end of the day, I felt awful. What kind of a mother was I that I allowed my child to get hurt? That I couldn't give her everything that I wanted to? That I couldn't protect her from one of my worst addictions - sugar?

I cried a bit, and then I realized that I won't always be able to protect Alice from harm. She will fall down. She will get hurt, and she needs to in order to grow and learn. I realized that I won't always be able to give her everything she wants, and that is OK. Life is not about always getting what you want. I realized that one little cookie is not going to kill her. She needs to learn to eat foods like sugar in moderation.

I let go a little bit today, but I have a feeling that this is only the first in a long series of learning to let go.