Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Letting Go

I had a day. A day that reminded me that, despite my best efforts, I cannot control everything. I'm not delusional. I know that I can't control everything, but ever since Alice was born, I have been in control of everything about her - from what she eats to when she goes down for her sleep.

Being a parent is such a whirlwind - your life gets thrown around, the only thing you have control over is how you respond to this new being in your world.

Today I learned to give up some of that control.

Incident 1:
This morning, while I was holding Alice, she reached for the crock pot that was cooking a soup. Before I could move us away, her finger brushed the side of the container (why do they even make crock pots with such hot exteriors? That's a lawsuit waiting to happen, if you ask me). Baby skin is so sensitive that it instantly blistered.

Incident 2:
We had our music class this morning. Alice LOVES her music class. She loves the teacher and all the singing and dancing. We were reminded today that now is the time to register for the next session - something we can't do due to our current financial situation.

Incident 3:
A friend of ours took Alice out for a walk and gave her a bit of cookie on the way. We have never given her sweets and have been so careful about what we do give her that I was crushed.

By the end of the day, I felt awful. What kind of a mother was I that I allowed my child to get hurt? That I couldn't give her everything that I wanted to? That I couldn't protect her from one of my worst addictions - sugar?

I cried a bit, and then I realized that I won't always be able to protect Alice from harm. She will fall down. She will get hurt, and she needs to in order to grow and learn. I realized that I won't always be able to give her everything she wants, and that is OK. Life is not about always getting what you want. I realized that one little cookie is not going to kill her. She needs to learn to eat foods like sugar in moderation.

I let go a little bit today, but I have a feeling that this is only the first in a long series of learning to let go.

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