An act of desperation

I sound like a broken record (do those even exist anymore?): Last night was the worst night yet. It started out grand. Alice went down easily and slept soundly...until I crawled into bed. From that moment on, she woke up every 10 minutes demanding to be fed (which I obediently obliged). By 4am, I was in tears and recommended that SDN head downstairs so that he could get some sleep. At 6am, she was still waking up every 10 or 15 minutes, and I could feel myself about to have a psychotic episode. I thought about heading downstairs as well and leaving Alice to cry it out in our bed, but then I realized that that was silly.

So, as light was streaming through my window, (here is my act of desperation) I carried Alice into her bedroom and put her in her crib. I was expecting wild-eyed tears, fear of this unknown environment, pleading for me to take her back.

This is not what happened.

Alice almost instantly fell asleep...until 9am!

How could I have been so stupid. Everyone said that she is waking up because she is smelling my milk, to which I replied "it doesn't matter, I love cuddling with my baby girl." I didn't really believe them, but it was all true.

Despite how tired I am right now, I cannot wait for tonight. I'm hoping that Alice sleeps well in her crib like she did last night.

Besides, how can I be grumpy when I have this face to greet me in the morning?

making it work

SDN and I have decided that in order to spend the most time with Alice and with each other we are going to try to make ends meet by finding freelance work. The downside is that not knowing when and where your next paycheck is going to come from is extremely stressful - especially when everyday it seams like the more and more disaster is striking the economy. SDN has struggled to find enough work to pay the bills, so I decided that I would get more serious about tutoring.

That was last week.

This week, instead of my one client that I met with three times a week, I now have 5. I am amazed at how easily this fell into my lap - maybe the universe is trying to tell me that this is the way to go. My most recent client litterily walked up to me in the middle of one of my tutoring sessions and asked me to work with his daughter. Things are working out really great! I'm never gone more than 4 hours at a time so I still get to spend plenty of time with SDN and Alice, yet I'm making almost as much as I was teaching full time.

Alice is sleeping so well during the day (two two hour naps) and she is always so full of smiles. It has taken me 8 months to figure out how to live with this amazing new person in my life, but I'm finally beginning to feel like everything is going to work.

Of course, if I've learned anything it is that everything changes, so I should say "right now, I feel like everything is going to work."
Cutest baby ever (sorry the picture isn't better - she has hit the mobile phase of life and it is almost impossible to get a picture of her that is not blurry).

a lot can happen in two days

Yesterday, Alice's 8 month birthday marked a mobile milestone for our little one. She officially crawled two paces before collapsing. It was huge, and joyous, and involved lots of cheering and singing led by SDN and myself to which Alice looked at us like we were a little crazy - but that's what she gets having two dorks for parents.

Her method for crawling is a bit...how shall I put this...inefficient. First she gets up on all fours and rocks back and forth. Then she slides her feet under her keens so that she is in something like a downward facing dog - although one her left leg is always straighter than her right leg so this maneuver invariably leads to a collapse on her right side, but not before those inches of coveted movement occur. Once she lands on her right side she wiggles her but around until she is in a seated position and then looks at me like, "WTF, how did I get seated on my butt. I was trying to move forward...you did this didn't you?" Then, in a fit of despair, she collapses on her stomach and repeats the process. Its so wonderfully jiggly with so little progress being made that it makes me tired just looking at her - so I figure, watching Alice crawl actually fullfills MY quota of exercise for the day. I love having a baby.

Today was a day about new beginnings. You would have to be dead or living as a hermit with no access to TV, radio, newspaper, or skywriters to not know that today Obama was swarn in as the 44th president. To honor this occasion, Alice and I watched his speach on TV. This is huge. Alice does not watch TV. In her entire life, I think she has watched TV for a total of 5 minutes prior to today, and I was gleefully amused to notice that she really couldn't have cared less about the moving talking pictures on the screen. She is obviously gifted and realizes that TV is beneath her. I guess the important thing, though, is that she can say, "I saw Obama get swarn in when I was just a baby." She can have the same status as all my friends who claim that they saw the original Star Wars in the movie theatre when they were infants.

I hate teeth

I hate teeth. I really do. With the invention of the blender, why do we even need them anymore anyways - sure you might miss out of some texture, but think of all the wonderful food combinations you could make with the press of a button. Eating would take a tenth of the time it does now and those evil white bones would stop making my poor baby cry.

Poor Alice is teething...at least I think she is - I've been saying that she's teething for so long, but this time I really think she is. Her gums are swollen and can't sleep longer than an hour before waking up in pain. I feel so bad for her - she's tired and in pain, but she still smiles at me when I burble her tummy. It makes me want to reach into her mouth and rip out those pesky teeth - which would be bad because then she would be in more pain than she is now...and she wouldn't have any teeth.

the blues

Do you ever get the feeling that the world is not such a good place? I mean, aside from all the murder, corruption, and general violence, do you ever feel like everyone is just slightly off from the way you think and even though people love you and are trying to be helpful you just can't understand why they say or do the things they do which makes you feel like there might be something wrong with you? Probably not. I'm probably the only one.

I'm just feeling down today. The thought of having to work again, at some point, in the future, is depressing. The thought of being away from Alice for any length of time is depressing. Oh god, am I going to be one of those mothers who constantly hovers over their child and never lets her experience anything because I'm being too over-protective? I hope not....but right now, in this moment, I don't want to let her out of my sight. I'll probably feel completely different tomorrow. Maybe this is post-pregnancy hormones kicking in - swinging my mood back and forth.

On the upside, my lame, generic, new year's resolution to lose this baby weight is going well. I've lost 7 pounds since Jan 2nd. I'm still not ready for the swimsuit shopping which is to commence this afternoon, but at least I'm in a better place than I was a couple of weeks ago.

What a rambling, bummer of a post. Here are some cute pictures to make up for it.

OK, so this isn't the happiest baby picture ever, but doesn't this face just break your heart and make you want to reach out and hold her (which, coincidentally, is exactly what I did, completely soaking myself in the process). She was not a fan of her first swim lesson.

Here is my precious little one just about to go to sleep.

I am an adult

SDN and I went out...just the two of us...alone...without Alice...as adults. I almost didn't know how to act when there wasn't a cute little neck to burble or a bouncing baby to grab every object within a one mile radius.

We saw a concert at my favorite venue, the Triple Door, and had alcoholic beverages and ate slowly and cuddled and I didn't have to expose my boobs even one time. It was so relaxing and dignified. We arrived just before the show began so we got seated in the rear of the theatre allowing us to view not only the performers but all the other patrons as well. Towards the front row there was a family (obviously huge Lenka fans - did I mention we were seeing Lenka...we were) consisting of a mother, father, little boy and little girl. The little girl couldn't have been more than 7 and, in the spirit of being 7, she continuously jumpped up and waved at the performers. It was so cute I wanted to cry.

Alice would have loved it but SDN wouldnt' let me take her. "its too loud," he complained. "You're turning into an old man," I retorted. "If I was old, I wouldn't think that it was too loud because I wouldn't be able to hear," he responded. "Yea, well...old people think things are too loud and you think things are too loud so you must be old...so there...and your beard is too long." I showed him. Really put him in his place.

To santa or not to santa

Being a parent is hard work. It seams like every day there is a new decision to make that could alter the course of my baby's development...forever...

Do we let her play with the toy that is proven to raise her IQ but contains large wooden balls that could possibly detach and choke her? Do we use cloth diapers at night, which would be more environmentally friendly but tends to produce...wetness...by the morning? Do we vaccinate? Do we need to apply for pre-school now in order to get her into the "good" ones? Do we use baby sign language? I could go on forever.

Of all these questions, though, none seams more debated than "The Santa Question." Before having Alice, I vowed that I would never lie to her. No matter what she wanted to know, I would tell her the truth, but what about Santa? Who am I to deny her these childhood fantasies?

Luckily, I don't have to decide yet. Alice doesn't care about "The Santa Question." She only cares about getting to eat all that pretty paper that is covering all that junk.

A new year

My beautiful baby girl is growing up. She does so many tricks right now, I have a hard time keeping up with them all. She can sit, rock, balance on all fours, sing, squak, croak (the sound, not the action), say mama, say dada, say mom, give slobbery kisses, give hugs, dance, play, play the piano, levitate for short periods of time, and bend the space time continuum to suit her will. She really can - I have pictures to prove it.


I can't wait to see what she does in this coming year.